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News - April

On this page I will try to put a daily observation. This page usually contains some stuff the TV told me.

News I realized that maybe when you clicked on news, you expected some real news and not just my ramblings. So if you want some actual news to sink your teeth into, try this on for size. It is an up-to-date headline news thingy that updates all by itself! Technology and stuff is amazing.

NewsletterIf you want this stuff e-mailed to you weekly along with jokes and movie reviews, click here to get on my mailing list. E-mails should be sent to you on the weekend, or whenever I feel like it.

Anyway, tommorow I'll have a brand spanking new funky fresh ultra fly fact served up for ya with a side of slaw. No fries though.

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April 30, 2003

Today I found out how to deal with a dog that wants to attack you. Let's say you see a dog running at you and he looks all mad. Don't run away. Stand your ground. Keep your back to a tree or wall if you can. And don't make eye contact. If the dog does attack you, don't punch its head or back or whatever. That makes dogs mad. Punch it right on the nose. Dogs don't like that.

Of course none of this applies if the dog looks like this.

April 29, 2003

Tv has been sucking grandly lately with all these "Reality" shows. So instead of a tv fact today I will tell you about Cabbage. Cabbage is a good veggie. It has a bunch of vitamins all good and it grows anywhere for the farmers. There are many ways to prepare your cabbage. Fried, Steamed, Stewed, Chopped, With Ham, Over-easy...

Actually I just made up cabbage over-easy, but you can get it like this.

April 28, 2003

I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I couldn't shut it off. But today I watched a show about micro-organisms. I found out all about how there are millions of dust mites living in my bed. And how there's other little bugs in all of my clothes. And there's like salmonella all over my kitchen and how there's like microcooties all over everything everywhere. Ew!

Here's some cooties for ya...

April 27, 2003

To test your knowledge, I've got a little quiz for you. Question: Are Zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes? Answer: Neither! Zebras are orange with black AND white stripes. Anyway, my conclusion is that zebras are really weird looking. I bet they smell funny too.

Here's a picture of some Zebras. Weird.

April 26, 2003

Back in the early 80's the Florida Keys seceded from the United States. The newly formed nation was called the Conch Republic and they declared war on America. After declaring war they immediatly surrendered and asked the US government for one billion dollars in war reparations. This sort of thing happens when people are mad at their government and decide to get drunk. Hope this doesn't happen in Canada. Where is our government going to get a billion dollars. Our federal reserve is a highly-guarded American Penny.

More info on the Conch Republic.

April 25, 2003

It's late and tv really let me down today. I watched an old video of Michael Jackson mushing a pie into John Landis's face (non-entertaining). I saw something about "hammerhead" sharks with big ironing board type growth sticking through their heads (non-interesting). And I saw something about this one house's scary ghosts (non-existent).

I really hate when tv sucks. To keep you entertained, here is a frog.

April 24, 2003

I watched a show on the Discovery Channel about the "Eco-Challenge" in which teams (who are identified by their sponsors - e.g. Team Subaru Canada) compete to reach a destination by their wits alone. They stop at checkpoints so the people who organize this can keep track of who has been eaten by lions.

April 23, 2003

Today I learnt about Millvina Dean. She survived the Titanic sinking when she was like 9 weeks old or something. The youngest survivor. She's 91 now and does the Titanic convention circuit and all that. She's one of the few living survivors of the disaster. She's also one of the few people left on the planet who hasn't seen the Titanic movie. She just isn't interested.

But if you're interested in Milly...

April 22, 2003

I found out today that caribou in Alaska might be kind of smart. They like to spend alot of time hanging out around the oil pipelines. Maybe because hunting around the pipelines is illegal. So caribou may feel it's a coolio safe haven type place to chillout. It doubly sucks for caribou hunters because whatever caribou are eating around the pipelines apparently might make them taste a little weird...

If I lived up there this would be my recipe for roast caribou.

April 21, 2003

Today I found out that go-cart racing is like a serious sport. Kids start off racing at like 4 years old speeding around in cars that go like 20mph. Then they move up to cars that can go 50mph. Then over 100mph. It looked totally fun but I know if I drove one that fast I'd crash into another car. Spin off the track through the haystack barrier. And listen to the oohs of the crowd while my car starts to flip. It would do like cartwheels across the grass like 5x and land right side up. Smoke would start pouring out and people will rush over with the fire extinguishers but I'll pop out of the car and give a wave. Even though I'd be shaken up I'd walk off the track under my own steam. Then they'd have to get someone else to drive the pace car.

Here's a karter named "Boo".

April 20, 2003

So I saw this show on the old "Boob Tube" (not sure how it got that name but whatever). Anyway there was this one show that said that everything now will like be obsolete in a year. Computers these days are obsolete before you can get them all the way out of the box. In 10 years, we will look back and wonder how we ever got by with out primitive High-Definition Flatscreen Widescreens, and out outmoded cars with their backwards "Internal Combustion". It's all a-changin'. Try to keep up.

I found a realistic internet simulator. Fire it up here.

April 19, 2003

So I done watched this show on the trusty tv about the starving orfans in some country. Those shows always make me hungry, so I had my microwave-dinner thing. I kinda feel bad for the orfans, but whatcha' gonna' do.

If you want to send them money, give it to me and I like totally promise it'll get there. Maybe...

April 18, 2003

Today Cookie Monster had a conflict. He was introducing the letter of the day which was "C". He had a cookie with the letter "C" on it. He wanted to eat the cookie but he felt maybe he shouldn't because it was the "Special letter of day cookie". Eventually he broke down and ate the cookie. Then he started crying. Then these other muppets came in as an "Intervention" with Cookie Monster. Fozzie told him they thought he had a problem but Cookie Monster said it was under control and said "Me no have problem. You have problem!". The other muppets said that they were worried about Cookie Monster because not only had been eating cookies to excess but they noticed he's been smoking cigarettes backstage and often appears drunk. Cookie Monster got all agitated and told them how none of them understood the preassure that he was under. He said that ever since Elmo got all big he's "been pushed to side and me merchandising way down. WAY down!". He then got totally upset and was all "Me only drink a little to take edge off. Me only drink to wash down cookies. Me only drink to wash down cookies!!!". Then he ran off and you heared a few crashes backstage and offstage Cookie Monster said "Get away! Cookie Monster needs be alone! Gimme cookie! Don't touch Cookie Monster!". Then the "We are experiencing technical problems" card went up and some soothing music came on.

Like the tobacco industry, the cookie industry is always trying to recruit new buyers. Try out one of these cookie recipes. C'mon you big wuss.

April 17, 2003

The guy on the tv told me about how maggots are now used in hospitals to like treat certain wounds. They put the maggots in the wound and the maggots do whatever and ew they showed it on this guys foot and ew! I don't want to talk about it anymore. Ew. Ew. Must not ever think about that again. Must go to my happy place...

Must go to my happy place!

April 16, 2003

On TechTV today I saw a new wireless charger thing. Basically instead of the drag of having to like plug in your cellphone to charge it, you can just lay it down flat on this thing and it charges it wirelessly! Finally eliminating the annoying hassle of grabbing the cord, finding the end of the cord, finding the charger hole in your cellphone (wherever that is) THEN you gotta plug it perfectly into that hole or it doesn't work, then put the cellphone down! Uch! What a hassle! Yay technology!

I planned to link to the product site but somewhere on the walk from the tv to my computer it zapped right out of my head. Here's something to keep you busy.

April 15, 2003

So they say in 2025 there'll be planes that can go 10x the speed of sound so you can travel from LA to Tokyo in like 75 minutes. You'll be strapped to the inside wall of the plane as you zoom off to the edge of the atmosphere. They'll give you motion sickness tablets so you don't barf when weightless, which would annoy other passengers.

They also said that they were going to build one of these first. You know, to like test it out and stuff. Personally, I would prefer a normal plane where the chance of barfing all over is minimized.

April 14, 2003

Today I slept until about Noon. That means no fact.

April 13, 2003

Last day of the Swim Meet today. After the same warm-up, I raced a 50 Meter Freestyle, a 50 Meter Backstroke (I was the 2nd fastest person in the Meet), and a 50 Meter Freestyle in a 200 Meter Freestyle Relay. The trip home was 9 hours and we arrived at about Midnight. You just can't sleep on a bus.

Whilst I was in Prince George, I found out some stuff. It got a solid 9 on the Hick-Town Scale. There is a store called "Overwaitea" (apparently part of the Save-On-Foods chain). Prince George was overwhelmed when our bus came in and tripled the population of 12. Just kidding, the population is more like 80,000. The scenery is nice (Mountains, Trees, etc.). Their tallest building in downtown Prince George is a whopping 10 floors. So overall, it was kind of nice there (although all their clocks are an hour slow) and might be a nice place to stop if you were out tha way.

April 12, 2003

Today was the same as yesterday but with more races. Same 50 Meter pool. Same 5000 Meter warm-up. Same Prince George. The difference is I raced a 100 Meter Freestyle, a 50 Meter Butterfly, a 100 Meter Butterfly, a 100 Meter Backstroke, and a 50 Meter Freestyle in a 200 Meter I.M. Relay (My time was 28.5 seconds!!). All my times were good and stuff.

I realize that this isn't a fact, but I really wasn't watching alot of tv out there. I did watch the Simpsons though. Here is the jist: Homer was kicked out of Moe's and was looking for another bar. In his search, he goes to a Snooty Upity Fancy bar and the bouncer guy (who is wearing a Tux) asks him to "Leave without a fuss". He eventually tries a pilot's bar but after the bartender gives him a pilot's uniform, he wind's up with a co-pilot in a plane. He eventually crashes the plane. The company would be humiliated if it got out so, in exchange for his silence, Homer gets a free flight anywhere. Marge has a panic attack. A Psychiatrist calms Marge down, and she overcomes her fear of flight. Boom. Done. End of Story.

April 11, 2003

Today I'm going to Prince George (B.C.) for a swim meet. This involves getting up at 5:00 Am and trying not to whack the snooze. The bus ride is 9 hours and the seat is made for a person about 4 feet tall. When we got there, the time was 3:00 Pm (B.C. Time) we had to wait an hour for the pool to open and then we did approximatly a 5000 Meter warm-up. Then I raced 200 Meters Freestyle (Front Crawl for you non-swimmers). We got to the Billet family's house later that night and slept.

Before the warm up, I did get this picture of the pool's sign. I took this picture to prove that I was in Prince George.

April 10, 2003

Today I lernt that cuttlefish are crazy like aliens or something they move all creepy hovery and they change colors to communicate with other cuttlefish all bizarre and they can get camoflage sneaky with the color change thing and then they squirt out ink all gross and squirty and I bet they smell bad and they got starey eyes like they know something or something and I don't trust them.

But we'll still eat em up. Pass.

April 9, 2003

Sorry, no fact today. The TV and me weren't seeing eye to eye.

Don't leave empty-handed. Play this game.

April 8, 2003

I watched a rerun of a december Martha Stewart. She had some reindeer on her show and I lernt stuff about them. Here's two reindeer facts: Reindeer are the only animals where both the male and female have antlers. Also reindeer fur has like hollow hairs to help with insulation. The guest on the show said that when they make clothes of reindeer skin, the clothes are really warm. As soon as he said that the reindeer shot a look at the camera like "Watchoo talkin' about!"

Here's some info on Blitzen.

April 7, 2003

I done watched this dude on tv today who is selling off pieces of the moon and other planets by the acre. He claims he has the right because he sent a letter to the government claiming ownership over the earth's moon and other planets AND their moons. Because he never got a response, he took that as a yes. Now he's sold like thousands of acres on the moon for $19.95. But when I did a google search for "buy acre moon" I got all these! What's going on! Who's monitoring all these realtors to make sure things don't overlap! What is this? Some kind of scam??!

April 6, 2003

The weather channel taught me about air currents today. I really had nothing to do. The only interesting part was how this one dude was saying that when a hot air current meets a cooler air current, you might get a tornado or a bunch of wind or something. Then he said that wind is caused by trees sneezing. Then I woke up again and the show was over.

**Forecast for Edmonton and Area Tonight** : Dark

April 5, 2003

Today I watched the World Short Track Speed Skating Championships. I think it was in Calgary, but I'm not sure. It was in a stadium that looked 90% empty. Hey, if they want to sell tickets I have an idea for them. Spice it up! No more just simple round and round. Surprise obstacles. Fireballs. Ramps. Insta-melt sections of ice. Slide a big mean walrus onto the track. Everyone in the audience gets a megaphone Day. Whatever! You'll sell some tickets then!

Fu Tianyu was in 7th place when I switched off. Here's Fu in action.

April 4, 2003

A scary spacenerd on Tv today said that every year for like the past three years giant 200 ton asteroids blow up like right outside our atmosphere. He said that if one of those hit somewhere it would be like a big old nuclear bomb. And then scary spacenerd said that the chances of an asteroid like that eventually hitting the planet one day was 100%. He seemed sort of scarily nerdily excited about that.

I checked that off as one more thing to worry about then started practicing up.

April 3, 2003

Today I watched these doctor dudes debate the benefits of using magnets in medicine. One dude believed using magnets on the body increased circulation of blood and helped with energy flow. The other guy said they dint do nuttin. But one thing that seemed to be true - apparently the therapeutic magnets you can buy for alot of money will work (or not work) just as well as the cheapy ones on your refrigerator door...

Here's a whole bunch of stuff on magnets and a few experiments.

April 2, 2003

The History Channel taught me about the stealth fighters and bombers. They're pretty coolio. They look like fancy schmancy paper airplanes but they're actually much better than that. Today, I learnt two terms. 1. When they were being built they were classified "black" which is the term beyond "top secret" into more like "this project doesn't exist, ok?". And 2. I found out "fly by wire" is when planes make little auto-adjustments based on computer readings to help stabilize.

I also found out the stealth design was in the works for a while. Check out this plane from 1942.

April 1, 2003

Today the car broke down and got all junky and stuff. The heater made a foul stink. Then the whole bottom dropped out. The tow-truck dude said he couldn't even tow it or it would drag or something. So we had to wait FOUR HOURS to get the stupid rental car which cost about 3 times normal because there was no reservation. All in all, today was crap-ish and generally bad.

To vent anger, I made this link.

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